falling in love

i didn't set a lot of expectations for my birthing experience. i filled out a tentative birth plan but knew that when push came to shove i may not want to follow any of the ideas i had laid out. i was okay going with the flow and taking things as they came, which is not how i am in my regular state - i'm a little type A. but i knew that labor was not something i could completely prepare for. 

one expectation i did have though, one i had built up in my head for months prior was meeting my baby for the first time. i imagined the tears streaming down my face as they placed my son in my arms and i would catch a sob in my throat just daydreaming about it. i looked forward to it eagerly and i knew it would be magical. 

in reality i didn't have that spiritual experience everybody talks about, i didn't experience the special connection i thought i would when i met my flesh and blood, this little one my husband and i had created. it didn't seem like he was mine, he seemed more like a stranger. and i would be lying to say i wasn't disappointed by my reaction.

i do remember the experience clearly, though. i remember my husband wiping away tears as our son's head emerged. i remember how much easier it was to push once his head was out and the end was so close. i remember being very aware and asking questions about him and wondering how he was doing as they finished his assessments. i remember when they placed him on my chest and how soft his skin felt on mine. these are all memories i will treasure. 

even more so i remember the influx of emotions i experienced once we brought him home and i realized he was mine. this tiny baby boy who depended on me for everything. that first week home as a family of three was filled with tears as i gazed at him in my arms and experienced the love i had growing in my heart.

and now i know that no matter how dismayed i was by my initial reaction it means nothing.

 i love my son.