hour of sleep

the entire house is slumbering. the cat sprawled out at the top of the stairs, the dog curled up on her pillow, daddy snoozing in bed and river is finally drifting off in the ergo strapped to my chest. the past week has been difficult. little man has been refusing to hit the hay until 11pm or later and even after that sleep has been shotty. i find my anxiety level rising as i prepare for my next weekend of work and wondering if he will let me sleep more than 4 hours each night.

tonight i've been pacing the main level with river in his carrier - it's the easiest way to help him fall asleep when he's throwing punches and arching his back fighting off the sleepies. it's in these times, when the lamps are dimmed and i am humming along with the nursery playlist that i find i am the most happy and the most sad, simultaneously. i know he won't be my little baby forever.

these days won't last forever i know - the hard, wish-i-could-have-5-minutes-to-myself, sleepless nights. and the so-happy-my-heart-could-burst and i want to bawl because i know it can't last forever moments.
 a little boy beating his hands against me in exhausted frustration one minute; the next a deep sigh turns to even breaths and his head falls on my chest. parenthood is a beautiful dichotomy. 

i know this space has become a bit mom-centric. but if i can capture just a bit of the magic that is my life with this little boy right now - something i can look back on in 5 years when he's reaching high for that first step onto the schoolbus or in 18 years when he walks across that stage and accepts that diploma - it will be worth its weight in gold.